Over the past several weeks I've written about gremlins and limiting beliefs showing up in my outdoor adventures. This week I want to share something even more personal.
Let me start by offering some context on who I am and how I show up. In my personal life, I have continuously pushed myself beyond my limits physically and mentally (how can I be better; continuous growth; set high standards & goals). Similarly in my professional life, I didn't allow for excuses, I've made personal sacrifices for the betterment of me and my family, and I put myself in scenarios that pushed me to be better (new jobs, discussions outside of my "lane", manage projects outside of my expertise).
Overall, I focused on staying positive as a means to better wellbeing to get me through all of the above. But like many, my successes were accompanied by battles, which included (but not limited to) proving to others that I'm good enough, which caused me to lack self-esteem and self-confidence. That said, I confided in very few people, consistently told myself to get over it (just pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get back after it) and chose to handle it by myself because nobody else cared because that's just what you do.
Ok, enough about me. Let's get to the story.
A few months ago, a comment hit me a little more than previously. The pastor of my church was offering words of advice to the volunteers/staff prior to a service. As he was wrapping up, he talked about the impact the team had on the families/kids. I didn't write the exact quote down but a couple key comments in his message were that "we don't know the battles people are going through" and we have the opportunity to provide them a place where they can find peace, community, and love. So, the ask was to "treat them all as if it were their first time walking through the doors and make it special".
While this wasn't the first time, I heard a comment about the silent battles people face, this time it was accompanied by more context. Starting a coaching business has offered me additional perspective on individuals that outwardly put on a good show, have had many successes (personally and in their career), and by all accounts have a great life. But as I tap into the things holding them back from becoming the best version of themselves, I find that they have their share of battles.
Additionally, I recently witnessed family members and friends battling gremlins, limiting beliefs, and other more acute mental disorders. In some cases, I was aware of the history that contributed to the struggles, and in others I was completely shocked how the challenges were impacting some of the best and brightest I knew.
Historically I would have looked at these battles as another challenge to overcome, try to fix them, be over positive to outweigh their negativity, or even chose not to engage because "I don't want to be around someone that thinks that way".
But thankfully I have grown and over the past 12-18 months I have developed some approaches that not only benefited me but those around me. A couple to highlight:
• Acknowledgment - repeat back what you heard so they know you are listening and care about what they are saying
• Validation - let them know that they have the right to feel the way they do; they are the only ones experiencing what they are going through
More specifically I've learned that all situations deserve different responses and support. In a couple of these recent situations if I had tried to "fix" them it could have caused them to go deeper into their battle.
Recently my cousin sent me a Simon Sinek podcast where he talked with Rabbi Sharon Brous about pain and grief. One of the key take-a-ways was that "pain isn’t something we can just fix. It’s something we are present to...it’s not our job to pull people out of the mud. It’s our job to sit in mud with them." Wow! Such a great metaphor to help us realize our role at times.
As my pastor pointed out, we don't know the mud people are sitting in, but we should be aware that everyone we encounter may be in mud and we need to offer love, kindness and community. So, check in on them, make them aware you are there for them if they ever need it, prove to them you are willing to sit in the mud and not judge them.
For all those parents out there - validation has been a game changer for me! My four daughters (picture) motivate me every day. So, keep grinding, learning, and growing. The payoff - deeper relationships with your children.
For those reading this that are stuck in the mud, reach out to your confidants, friends and family. Give them a chance to sit in the mud with you. Code word - mud!
Thank you to my friends and family for being patient with me while I figured out that sheer force isn't the only way to overcome my own personal battles and that sometimes you just want Bri/Brian/Dad/Husband/Brother/Cousin/Friend to sit in mud with you!
Shout out to my Pastor and cousin for the inspiration!
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